if you like me you must not know who I am
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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