I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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