I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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