hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
