So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
