Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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