whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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