You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
