Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
