I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize