You just made me feel so damn special
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
