So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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