im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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