I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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