are you still at the devil's house?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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