you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
