I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize