Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
