8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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