i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
