exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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