No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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