does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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