Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just had sex on a roof
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
