My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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