had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
