They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
