if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize