I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
