Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
