The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize