Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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