This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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