That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
