I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
