I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
