i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize