not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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