I seem to have left my pride at pride
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
