Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
