This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
be right there i have to get my cape
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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