dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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