I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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