so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
