I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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