Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
