She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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