I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
cat food counts as protein by the way
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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