I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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