So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he thought i was a dude.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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