one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
