i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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