I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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