I didn't shave. On purpose
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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