Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize