dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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