Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
