Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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