Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
