Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
