I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
