I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
