can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize