drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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