i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
