life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
