Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
