there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
