My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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