he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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