she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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