im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
