I am full of burrito and curiosity
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
